My friend Suzanna wrote a note with a picture I took of her on Facebook. I was struck by her kind words towards me, but mostly by her raw honesty and willingness to share her story. We all have a story to share and this is hers. Here’s what she wrote along with the picture:
My awesome friend Hannah recently snapped some photos of The Larsons. She’s amazingly talented. She also has known me since my awkward preteen years and still loves me. So naturally, she’s one of my favorite people of all time. If I could bottle up the feeling I get after spending a little time with her(and now with her darling little girls) I would sell it and make millions because it is phenomenal. So I wasn’t surprised when she emailed me the most precious photo of all time. I have looked at it about a million times over the past few days since I first saw it. I’m in awe. But not by what most have commented to me about. Yes, Daxten is ridiculously adorable. And Carter IS indeed the sweetest big brother on the planet. But I see so much more than that. My first thoughts (after thinking, “Holy goodness, my belly has grown!”) were those of gratitude for all this picture shows.
Luke and I lost 3 babies before our sweetheart Carter joined us. It was hard. At the time I hated it and went through every emotion and worry and struggle you would probably imagine one would at that time. I was terrified most of the pregnancy with Carter, always fearing the worst. Then he showed up early, spent a couple weeks in the NICU, and was also perfect. It was Mother’s Day when we finally had him home and I got to hold him on my chest and feel somewhat like a “normal mom” although he had wires attached to him and his monitors. My smile in this picture reminds me of that day and those feelings. Like a sigh of relief. It was perfect.
I then lost another after Carter which more than anything made me scared out of my mind. I thought I had conquered this already by having Carter. Would I still struggle to have another? Would I get another at all? We were very much thankful for our son but it really shook us to think this would still be a problem and bring more heartache. But it also made us love every single second with our boy. Truly.
Then, when we stopped trying to follow our own plan, Daxten showed up! Nearly everything about him was different than Carter. I even dreamt about him and pictured him differently (physically) as to differentiate the two boys (I was scared out of my mind to have two sons in a row….”just like my brothers” lol). He came out looking exactly how I’d pictured him. Identical to me turns out though, he acts EXACTLY like his Father. Well, and a little bit like MY father. Watch out! But what surprised me the most was how grateful I became that my boys had each other. They are best friends. They share the sweetness and compassion I somehow have managed to teach them (atleast for now) and that is CLEARLY shown in the picture. It gives me hope and faith that I’m not alone in this and I hopefully won’t totally screw them up. They are nice boys. They already adore their sister and especially Carter has been BEAMING ever since we told him about a baby on the way. He hoped and prayed for a sister. Daxten is just thrilled with life and probably would have been happy if I told him we were having a rock or stick or jelly bean but a sister is just as good. I left him with his Nana the other day and before I left he hugged me, then hugged my belly and told his sister bye and that he would miss her. My heart melted. Even my rough and tough and total “opposite” of sweetheart Carter, has a softness about him that seems so genuine. I am thankful.
So you see, this picture is more than just a really great maternity photo. To me, it’s a story of all my challenges and worries becoming a mother. Proof that things don’t often go as planned, but come out even better. Hope that things we are scared of and think we will fail at, can become strengths and joys. And what we thought wouldn’t be good for us, actually turns us into the best version of ourselves possible.