This morning I read an essay by a fellow photographer and almost the whole time I was reading it I was nodding my head in agreement. By the time I got to the end, I wanted to fist-bump the screen. Because I wonder, all the freakin’ time, why there aren’t more messy pictures of what life REALLY looks like. The hard-ass stuff that nobody wants to do or talk about. Or even the sexy-ass stuff that we think we shouldn’t talk about.
We’re all so busy trying to hide the mess, the shit that really is life and not talking about it. I believe that I’m a natural storyteller. I see perfect strangers and stare at them (much to Barry’s horror, Maggie and I tend to both do this….go onto a zombie-like trance staring at people in public) and want to know their story, ask them deep questions and take their picture.
Last year I started with a strong sense of gusto and desire to do things MY way and I started to grow my small business. But by the end of the year I could feel myself feeling really, really guarded about bringing my camera out and pointing it towards people that I love the most. Perhaps it was an attempt to be more present in the moment, but I missed out on some opportunities.
I started to think this desire to tell more gritty stories, to dig in, was weird and not worth chasing. I started to feel grey. I don’t fit in with all the clean and shiny objects, everything matching. But I also don’t fit in with the nomadic, crazy artists that are beyond abstract. I wondered if I was too passionate and in the very next moment wondered if I was too boring…..doubt is not a becoming feeling and I so badly wanted to shake it off.
But this desire to tell a story, to write, to photograph, lives in me. It sometimes feels complicated because who I am is EXACTLY who I am. I’m not a shape shifter and so what’s happening in my personal life also translates into my professional one. And if I’m telling the truth, last year was a mixture of really hard shit and also wonderful things. Someone I love has had to start living with cancer and on the other side of the coin, babies were born bringing joy in a time of need.
Of all the sessions that I did last year, the one that I’m most proud of and also most hesitant to share was a couples boudoir session. Not boudoir in the sense that it was staged or even that planned, just two people that really love each other…..The images are so far removed from the buttery warm images that I typically shoot and that’s why I love them. They’re a bit dark and very sexy. This is where I feel at a crossroads because I love the golden hour shots just as much as the ones that feel almost too personal to look at. Why can’t I do both? Isn’t that life? Dark vs. Light?
I’m going to try harder to not be glossy and shiny, I’m going to search and find the beauty in the nitty-gritty. And I’m going to find the brave souls that are ready to tell their story.
Messy is beautiful.
