Sleep: Our Story So Far

While I was pregnant with Maggie, I read anything and everything I could get my hands on about newborns, safety and all things that new parents “needed” to know. Wanting to be as prepared as possible consumed me, and I spent majority of my time making decisions about things based on what I’d read. We orded the safest carseat that Consumer Reports suggested and bought a new crib as well. I picked out bedding that I thought I loved and we spent an evening setting up the crib in Maggie’s room. I think I imagined myself happily preparing meals while Maggie soundly slept in this peaceful crib surrounded by pink swirls and teddy bears. 

After Maggie was born, she slept in our room in a small bassinet. We didn’t have immeadiate plans for her to sleep in her crib and it was mostly used (as in here is the only picture we have) for tummy time. Her room was primarily used for diaper changes and nursing. We told ourselves that she’d sleep in the crib once she grew out of the bassinet, in her own room. With a wall between her room and ours. 

The bassinet was positioned right next to our bed and had a white noise machine attached to it. We’d hear her wake and rock the bassinett or turn the white noise machine on, it only had a 15 minute timer, so we’d hear her wake when the noise would fade out. To be honest, I think Maggie slept more time in our arms then she did in the bassinet. And we were tired. So tired. 

There were many nights where we were all awake or kept awake becuase of having her in our room right next to us or one of us was up pacing around. She just wanted to sleep while we held her and would wake up when we’d put her down.  I’d read and heard so many people talk about the importance of the baby NOT sleeping with the parents and learning to soothe on its own. Well, Maggie wasn’t sleeping with us, and neither Barry or I wanted to hear her cry, so we traded our sleep to hold and walk with her, only occasionally trying to put her down into the crib that was waiting for her in the room next door. The room that even though it was only a wall between us, it seemed like it was miles away to put our baby. 

When Mags was 6 months old we went to Hawaii for a couple weeks and the place that we rented had a Pack & Play, and the plan was for Maggie to sleep there. We hardly even took the Pack & Play out of the closet, it might have had germs on it and I wasn’t about to put my baby in a place that had germs. But our room also had a king sized bed and I’d finally learned to nurse lying down. Those were the first two weeks that Barry and I had any decent amount of sleep since Maggie had been born. So she slept in our bed, wedged between us, happy as clam, while we were in Hawaii. We still had plans for Maggie to sleep in the crib, because nobody sleeps with a baby in the bed, or so I’d read. 

After we got home from our restful two weeks in Hawaii, we went back to using the bassinet that Maggie was now too big for. When she’d wake up, we’d eventually transition her into our bed, because who wants to walk around for hours,  and would get a few hours of sleep as a result. Every so often we’d try to get her to sleep in the crib, but neither Barry or I had any luck putting her down in there. She’d get so upset, screaming and crying, one time puking she was so angry with us. 

Eventually we stopped trying to put her in the crib and started to use it as a place to play, but we didn’t really want to fully admit that Maggie slept in our bed, at least to other people. We’re not ones to be overly concerned about what others think, but we’d had so many comments about things that we needed to do to get her to sleep alone, it felt a bit like we were inadequate parents and not doing the right thing. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with Barry’s cousin that I made peace with it. She mentioned that her son, who was a few months older than Mags, was a high-touch baby and he really liked to be close to his parents, even in his sleep. They co-slept too!!  And she wasn’t afraid to admit it. 

Maggie was, and still is, our high-touch child, but I don’t think I’d heard that phrase before. She loves to cuddle, snuggle and be close to us, specifically me, and she sleeps better when she can roll over and wrap her arm around one of us. Barry and I talked at length about giving up the battle, that we really had stopped fighting long before the conversation, of getting Maggie to sleep in her crib. Maggie clearly didn’t want to be left alone. We turned that damn crib into a toddler bed and started to use it as a glorfied reading spot. For the first time, ever, Maggie started to spend time there with her toys and was happy about it, but when it came to sleeping time, she slept with us. Occasionally during naps, I’d be able to put her down in her ‘bed,’ but it was no longer a goal. I think I’d finally, in some small way, learned to listen to my own intuition about our sleep situation, months after I should have. 

We hadn’t planned on getting Maggie a ‘big girl bed’ and one day, in a flurrry of cleaning and organizing, I took the matress off the guest bed and moved it into Maggie’s room. I was more than happy to break the crib down and move it out. Surprises of all surprises was the fact that Maggie LOVED her big bed. That first night she slept in there for a huge chunk of time and was excited to take her cup of milk back there to snuggle and fall back to sleep early in the morning. Both Barry and I were shocked and pleased at the same time. We’d relaxed over the previous 18 months, since our return from Hawaii, and were slightly sad to see Maggie so easily move into her room. We weren’t so sad to get more room in bed…..

Then Audrey came along and I’d long since donated the crib that had come to represent such sleep-related struggles for us, and I can’t say that it ever crossed my mind to get another crib. While I was pregnant, I barely perused the newborn books that I’d previously poured over. We set up the bassinet that I’d saved next to our bed and when she grew out of it, we set up a small pack and play. For the first ten or so months, Audrey slept soundly for a good portion of the night right next to our bed in the pack and play, and then when she’d wake come and sleep with us. It worked. 

This time around, with Audrey, it has been so much easier. I’ve let myself not feel ashamed to have her sleeping with us and I feel so much better about it. I’ve actually felt more rested than I could have imagined. That isn’t to say that it’s perfect, because we have a fair share of musical beds around here. Maggie still comes into our bed early in the morning, or wakes up at night wanting one of us to come lay next to her. Audrey wakes up and has been teething off and on, so that’s been a challenge. 

With parenting, I’ve learned never to say never and that choosing to do something that works for our family, in this case co-sleeping, isn’t bad at all, especially if everybody is well rested and adjusted. When I think about myself those first month of Maggie’s life, feeling anxious about needing to move her out of our room, I wish that I could go back and time and tell myself to relax, slow down and let go of any expectations that weren’t mine or Barry’s. 
 The need for sleep is essential to our health and I realized very early on that I’m not a parent that is interested in any type of sleep training. With Maggie that meant many hours of pacing the house while she slept in my arms and with Audrey, because we’d finally realized that what works for is is having our babies in our bed, I’m longer pacing the house losing sleep. An interesting sidenote to this is the fact that Audrey is truly a Daddy’s girl. She loves Barry in a way that is fierce, seeking him out in a way we’d never seen before.  

Since birth, she’s been able to sleep in his arms and now even has a special sign that she uses for him. It’s almost as if she’s signing ‘milk’ to him, it’s really sweet. She tends to snuggle him at night, seeking out his arm or shoulder to be close to. Eventually the girls will share a room and we’ll no longer have babies in our beds, and I’ll be thankful to get that real estate back, but the truth is, I’ll also miss their little bodies and their soft breath next to me. 

The purpose of this blog is to document our family and shared experiences. It isn’t a place that I share about decisions that we’ve made about raising our children, and for a long time I didn’t write about co-sleeping. I know there are many people that we know that do not agree with the idea of having kids in the bed and can’t possibly fathom it. That’s fine. This is just a journal of what’s worked for us so far….