I love blogging, but I don’t really consider myself a real blogger. I am shy about sharing this space with people I meet in real life and I hardly ever comment on other blogs that I read, even though I’ve been reading for years. I keep this space out of my desire to document our lives, write and just simply be in a way that feels good. I don’t feel at risk sharing my photos and thoughts – but I also don’t feel completely free in my writing. I don’t really know who my readers are, not that it matters, but sometimes I admire other bloggers who write in a fierce and unhinged way. On occasion I feel myself cutting loose and it feels good, but I am always a bit worried that I’ve offended some unknown reader. But the bloggers that I most enjoy reading don’t necessarily align exactly with my thinking and lead very different lives than my own.
Sometimes when things are really, really great and spectacular and I want to write about it and share in all the goodness, I don’t because I wonder if I’ll across as too My-Life-Is-So-Great-So-There. And lots of really great things that I believe in, that I love, gets lost. And when things are tough, confusing or I’m just having a god-awful day, I feel that same sense of not knowing how to write about what I’m feeling. So those feelings, ideas and things tend to get lost too.
It hasn’t always been like this, but I feel it more and more. This past week has been a difficult one in terms of my pregnancy…all is good now, but there were a few moments there that felt shaky, rocky and down-right scary. I wanted to write about it, but sometimes putting it out there (on the internet of all places!) doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. So I’ve been on a self-imposed lockdown…processing, talking and trying to figure it all out. I don’t expect to figure it all out, in fact I don’t have time anymore, an impending induction on Saturday prohibits too much time to think.
I’ve noticed a trend in a few blogs that I read with women choosing a word that is going to be their guiding word for 2013 ~ I’m not quite in the right frame of mind to determine what a good word would be for me. I’m days away from meeting my second daughter (and giving birth….oi!) and so this time just feels like a holding pattern, neither high nor low. Maybe I should have the phrase “Just hold on” be mine for the year….parenting two will be an adventure without a doubt. In all honesty, I want this blog to be a space where I continue to document our lives and do it in a way that feels authentic to who we are and how we choose to live….simple as that. I also want to get feedback from those few readers that I DO know beyond my close circle of friends and family ~ I want to grow those relationships.
This week’s high: we’re having a baby!
This week’s low: the itching I’ve been feeling is probably more than just itching.
The reason we’re holding strong: we’re having a baby!!!
I love reading your blog and I’ve definitely felt your reservations. I get that. You don’t want to hurt anyone, especially someone close. You also want to be authentic. I totally get it. Some of your reservations, I always figured, were because you’re a schoolteacher and therefore cannot not be “unhinged” in a public sphere. That’s just what I assumed. But hinged or not, your blog rocks. And woo hoo! You get to meet your girl!
Argh! Being a teacher is a big part of it as well, but I LOVE my job….so I can’t complain about that. Yee-haw for babies! And keep your posts coming.
Hi Hannah,
Congrats on little Audrey! She looks precious. I check in on your blog every so often. I love your photography and reading what you and your family are up to these days. I miss my Seattle friends, but we’ve found our niche in Moscow. Good luck as your adventure continues. Hugs, Kara